Surrender Monkeys Win

DATE CERTAIN FOR SURRENDER

Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have finally delivered to Al Qaeda and Islamic radicals across the world a message of American surrender and weakness. Sure, the Democrats call for a specific date for surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq will be vetoed ... but the message is clear. Americans -- at least the party in charge of our congress and our purse strings -- have lost their will to fight. There they were, Pelosi and Reid, standing in front of one of those made-for-TV backdrops reading "Strategy for Security" cutting the legs out from underneath every man and woman serving in our armed forces, not only in Iraq, but everywhere in the world.

Look --- I understand fully that mistakes have been made in this war. I'm one who believes that not enough troops were sent to Iraq in the first place. I still can't understand why we didn't dedicate the resources that were needed to seal the borders with Iran an Syria. Perhaps elements of Saddam's army should have been retained to serve the new Iraq. Mistakes? Sure! But what is the proper course of action when mistakes are made? Do you abandon the project, or do you regroup and forge ahead, perhaps wiser from your experience.

I think that from the very beginning the Democrat leadership has been dedicated to undermining Bush in Iraq any way they can. Their goal has been solitary and simple. Destroy the Bush presidency and pave the way for complete Democrat control in 2009. I truly believe that Democrats are perfectly willing to strengthen Islamic terrorists generally and Al Qaeda specifically if that is what needs to be done for them to destroy George Bush. The desire for revenge for 2000 is that strong. Perhaps the true motivation behind Democrat obstruction and maneuvering might have become more obvious to the American people if it were not for the fact that the mainstream media shared the Democrats goal ... destroy Bush, defeat Republicans, return liberalism to power in Washington.

By the way ... concerning last night's debate ....Hillary Rodham said last night that her vote to authorize the war in Iraq was "based on the information that was available to me at the time." Well, guess what? That is exactly the position President Bush was in when he pressed for war against Saddam Hussein. Hillary gets a pass on her "information that was available to me at the time" line, Bush does not. And so it goes.

Pay no attention to the guy behind the curtain

DEMOCRATS AND THEIR ANTI-CAPITALIST NONSENSE

Well, here we go again. The Democrats are proposing a "windfall profits" tax on oil companies. Gas prices, you see, are on the way up. Americans love to whine about high gas prices. Americans also don't know squat about oil company profits and profit margins, nor could most Americans write a cohesive paragraph on the role of supply and demand in setting prices in the marketplace. When oil companies post their huge profit figures the leftist media is eager to tell the world. Tell me, when is the last time you read a story about oil company profits that contained any reference to profit margin? Yeah .. you're right. Virtually never.

So ... ripe ground for Democrat demagogues. Slamming the very free enterprise system that brought us our incredible standard of living in this country is no problem for a Democrat who wants to exploit the economic stupidity of the American people.

Claire McCaskill is a Democrat senator from Missouri. Yesterday she was sounding like a high school drop out. To paraphrase this brilliant Democrat: "Here's what I don't get! Gas prices go up, and profits go up! I don't get it!" Yeah, Claire, I'm sure you don't.

Now .. .did Senator McCaskill mean profits or profit margins go up? Ask her that question and wait for the big "huh?" Look, Claire. Let me try to explain this to you. The reason gas prices are going up is because the demand for gas is going up and the supply is not rising to meet the demand. When the demand goes up you sell more gas. With me so far? Ok .... concentrate here for a moment. The oil companies make a certain amount of profit on the sale of every gallon of gas. Right now that figure is around seven cents. If the demand goes up you sell more gas. If you sell more gas you make that seven cents per gallon on the additional gallons you sell because of the increased demand. This means your profit goes up. See how hard that was! Now ... I don't want to fry your brain with too much information here, but even though the profits may be going up with the increased demand, that doesn't mean the profit margins are going up.

I'd better stop here. We don't want to give the brilliant Claire McCaskill too much to think about right now. Her mind is on getting back to Missouri for the weekend so that she can tell all her friends at her town hall meetings about her plans to bring these nasty oil companies under control.

Crow just doesn't get it!

Sheryl Crow must think her shit don’t stink. Sure, her announcement that she doesn’t thoroughly wipe her ass seems like something to admire on the surface. But when you consider that a tree still had to die for her single square of toilet paper, you suddenly realize that one square is one square too many.

That’s why long before Crow began daintily swabbing her sphincter with a postage stamp, Refine Design, Inc. had already declared itself a Tish-Free Zone. I’m proud to say that the entire company has completely refrained from wiping for almost six weeks now, preferring to allow our fudge to crust over and naturally crumble away with minimal harm to the environment. Suffice it to say that the policy has been incredibly popular and a great boost to company morale, with only a few soggy diapers in the bunch. That is, until Little Miss Wipes-Alot opened her big yapper. Now I have a potential mutiny on my hands.

“Everything from the waste down is on fire,” Steve from Accounting whined as he crawled on all fours into my cubicle this morning. “I can’t sit in a chair. I can’t walk. I feel like I’ve been sodomized by the entire population of Tijuana. Sheryl Crow uses one square, so why can’t I? One little square, that’s all I’m asking for. One little square!”

“Sure no problem!” I chirped. “Who needs forests, anyway? They’re so overrated. Trees are nice and all, but goshdarnit Steve’s poor little po-po is sore! Oh, and I’ll call the polar bears to let them know that they get to starve to death up north just so Steve can feel a little more comfy down below the equator.”

“My wife left me,” he went on, ignoring my sarcasm. “My kids hate me. Even the dog won’t come near me. This morning, I think I felt something squirming around up there. I have no idea what it is. Frankly, I’m afraid to look.”

“I’ll tell you what it is!” I exclaimed. “It’s an ecosystem! Don’t you see? It would be genocide to wipe your ass now! Sorry, Steve-o, but you’re going to have to just suck it up and live with a little discomfort like the rest of us.”

“’Rest of us’ my @$#*%!” Steve spat back.

“What do you mean?” I asked, eying him suspiciously.

“I mean you look pretty damn cozy sitting there on your supposedly raw and strangely odor-free backside all day. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’d been wiping your ass on the sly, Dickiebrid!”

I sprang out of my chair and pointed an accusing finger at him. “You take that back! I haven’t wiped my ass in weeks! My butt stinks like you wouldn't believe! I have dangleberries the size of Volvos! So don’t you DARE question my commitment to the cause! I have the greenest rectum in this company, and don't you forget it!"

“Sure, whatever you say, Dickiebird,” he replied, his voice lowering to a whisper. “But I sure wouldn’t want such a vicious rumor to get around the office, if you know what I mean.”

Ah, blackmail, is it? Damn that Crow! I know celebrities are used to living a life of luxury, but does she have any idea what a bad example she’s setting with her little extravagance? No matter. We down here on the front lines of the war will take up the slack. Yes, it is a war – a war not only against Bush’s Big Toilet Paper buddies, but a war to save our planet from those who would wipe their asses with the future of our planet.

As I watched Steve crawl away with his ill-gotten square of toilet paper, I knew deep down that even despite Crow’s selfish remarks, it’s a war that we will win.

Kos Kid Moment-(Satire Alert)

Three days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering what could have possibly driven a seemingly bright young man to acts of such unspeakable evil. Was it violent video games? Rap music? Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or was it the result of bad parenting, perhaps?

Highly unlikely. My childhood wasn’t exactly idyllic, but I would never dream of harming another human being. If someone put a gun into my hand, though, there’d be nothing to stop me from marching over to Mr. Caruther’s condo, kicking down his door, and popping a cap into his fat Repug ass.

“YOU MADE ME DO THIS CARUTHERS!” I’d scream at him. “YES, YOU!! WITH YOUR BIG FANCY SCHMANCY SUV AND YOUR SEMPER FI BUMPERSTICKER ON THE BACK AND RUSH FATTY PILLPOPPER BLARING FROM YOUR FANCY SCHMANCY CAR STEREO! I HATE YOU, CARUTHERS!!!! I HATE YOU, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, RIGHT HERE, IN YOUR POORLY DECORATED LIVING ROOM, YOU RIGHT-WING CHICKENHAWK!!!”

“No I’m not,” Caruthers would say.

“OH YES YOU ARE!” I’d insist.

“No I’m not,” he’d insist back.

“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”

“No I’m not,” he'd sigh, and go back to biting the heads off of puppies, or whatever it is that Repugs do when there aren't any Blacks around to lynch or poor people to screw over.

“OKAY, JUST SUPPOSING FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU’RE RIGHT," I'd offer, "EXPLAIN TO ME EXACTLY WHY YOU AREN’T GOING TO DIE LIKE THE NEOCON PIG YOU ARE.”

“Because you left the safety on,” he’d reply with that smug little smirk of his.

“NO I DIDN’T!” I’d say.

“Yes you did,” he’d insist, “and you’re holding the gun wrong. The barrel is supposed to point away from you.”

‘NO IT’S NOT!” I’d retort.

“Yes it is,” he’d volley.

‘NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT!”

“Fine then,” he’d relent. “Go ahead and pull the trigger.”

I’d hesitate for a moment, perhaps caught off guard by his utter stupidity, and he’d seize the moment to quickly snatch the gun from my fingers and pistol-whip me to a bloody pulp right there in his poorly decorated living room.

Mother would show up drunk at the funeral. She’d probably try to get into the preacher’s pants. Then she’d strip naked in front of everyone and start dancing around like she’s back at Woodstock until she clumsily knocked my casket over, spilling my pale, rotting cadaver onto the ground.

‘YOU BITCH!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!”

But the blame for my terrible fate is not hers. It belongs to Bush and his NRA cronies for putting that gun into my hands. You see, it’s not one’s upringing, nor rap music, nor is it being bombarded with violent imagery since before he could crawl that turns a man into a monster. It’s not a culture lacking a moral compass that creates someone who could pick up a gun and murder 33 innocent people without any remorse. It’s George W. Bush.

But it’s also the mere existence and ready availability of guns that drives men to kill one another.

But mostly it’s Bush.

Almost Satire Alert

MORE AND BIGGER SIGNS (for crying out loud)!!

Two days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering why it happened and what can be done to prevent it from happening again. Certainly, more thorough background checks would reveal whether a prospective gun owner had gone on any wild murder-suicide sprees in the past. Mandatory creative writing classes for all firearm purchases would also be a way to determine if someone has an unhealthy obsession with violence and gore, or is simply applying for a job at CBS.

Whether you’re in favor of such sensible gun control laws, or a mind-numbed minion of Chuck Heston, everyone can at least agree that Gun-Free Zones as they currently exist don’t quite work. Although Virginia Tech was a proud “Gun-Free Zone”, firearms still somehow found their way onto the campus. Obviously the so-called “gunman” wasn’t aware that he had entered such a zone, or else he would have thought twice about gunning down 33 innocents before shooting himself in the face. Bigger, bolder “Gun-Free Zone” signs would be harder to ignore, but renaming the entire school “Gun-Free Zone Tech” would send a clear message to any suicidal maniacs that bringing guns to school will NOT be tolerated, and that slaughtering scores of your classmates could result in expulsion and possibly even the forfeiture of all your credits. To discourage individuals from cleverly standing just outside the Gun-Free Zone and firing into the campus, the zone’s boundaries should also be expanded to encompass all 50 states, and as rigorously enforced as gun control laws currently on the books.

The concept of Gun-Free Zones is a noble one, and with a little revamping it can be far more effective. 33 out of the 34 people that died in Virginia Tech’s Gun Free Zone were actually following the rules. There’s no reason to believe that expanding the program nationally won’t provide the same results.

SATIRE ALERT

It's the Guns Donchaknow

Two hours after several students were gunned down at a Virginia university today, gunshots erupted again on the other side of the campus - rudely interrupting the Healing Process long before anyone’s grief had a chance to be validated with lucrative book deals or appearances on the morning talk shows. As the news media scrambled to ask what firearms were used in the rampage and how quickly we could ban them, rumors began to spread that a human being may have somehow been attached to the weapons at the trigger. Several witnesses described seeing a young Asian male's fingers wrapped around two 9mm handguns that seemed to be magically floating in mid-air. No one is sure how it happened, but it’s possible that the guns sucked him into Virginia Tech through the Gun Show Loophole and dragged him around the campus while they fired indiscrimately at helpless students. If so, it'll be the worst such incident since a pair of assault weapons dragged two helpless students through the halls of Columbine High School in 1991, murdering 12 teens. Like the Columbine tragedy, the guns that attacked Virgina Tech ultimately turned on their host, and their wild killing spree came to an end.

Unable to pin this latest tragedy on Muslims like they did with 9/11, the cons are suggesting that the Chinese man attached to the guns was somehow “responsible” for the slaughter. I can already hear the hate-radio pundits using it as a reason to demand tighter immigration laws. Personally, I never cease to be disgusted by how repugs can exploit such a tragedy to further their political agenda before the body of the victim is even cold.

However, any inbred redneck with an NRA membership will tell you that automatic weapons virtually fire themselves, hence the term “automatic weapons”. Until lawmakers have the courage to ban such firearms and repeal Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, we can expect to see more innocent Chinese kids with fist-sized holes in their faces courtesy of Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq.