Oh Joy - Tomorrow is Christmas

Christmas is just around the corner, and I thought, as your humble blogging host I would tell you what I want under my tree. Of course, my number one choice is world peace. World peace is a really good thing, because it affects the world in a really peaceful manner. I also want an end to war. War is bad, as you know because it's not peace. I would also like to see a ban on waterboarding - except on people I don't like. Which, as you know is anyone who defends Josh Groban or those who read other's email and text messages. I mean, really.

I would also like people to take global warming seriously. And by seriously, I mean admit that it's a joke, perpetrated by the left to avoid talking about the real stuff that matters - like terrorism and the flimsiness of sanitary covers for toilet seats. They just slide right off, and it makes me cry. I would also like a pair of suspenders, since belts no longer fit me. I would also like a turduckengal. It's a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in a gal. Its very tough to find them in the contiguious 48 states, which is why I'm turning to you, my reader, to ask if you have any leads. I had one once, in a bistro in Shanghai, and I can't get the taste out of my mind.

I guess if I had to put my wish list in order, it would be world peace, turduckengal, global warming and then suspenders. I'm actually working with the credit card companies right now so a portion of each dollar you spend will go to Jeff's suspenders. And that's something we can both feel good about, isn't it?

I should not read the Wall Street Journal this early.

Is it time to tax the tall?

According to Harvard professor, Greg Mankiw, vertically gifted folks earn 16% more than short people. And research suggests that height may lead to other benefits - they're closer to the sun, and they look better in jeans. For that reason, they should be taxed.

But unlike other groups, there's no way for tall people to escape taxation. If you overtax higher earners, they might hide their income. But hunching over won't put tall people in a lower tax bracket.

And this makes height the perfect model for income redistribution: tax the tall and give to the short - like me - who really deserve it. At the supermarket - I can't even reach the paper towels. Which are white, so that's racist.

The Harvard professor was kidding, - he just wanted to show us how taxes are used to punish people who do well, and reward those who don't. He's probably short.

But why stop at tall? Why not blondes? They really do have more fun - and that's not fair. And how about the double-jointed? Tax them twice I say! And what of men with full heads of hair! Since I'm one of them- it's the kind of taxation I can't get behind!

The Poor

So according to folks at the UN climate conference, it's the poor who will be hit hardest by global warming. See, rich people can afford to move from encroaching waters caused by climate change- but the poor are left stranded. Worse, they can't afford sandbags, or even awareness wristbands, to let everyone know they can't afford sandbags.

But look: whether we're talking global warming, the coming ice age, obesity, anorexia, or jock itch- its worse when you're poor.

So why not stop wasting so much time pointing this out and devote that energy to making them unpoor? Rather than pushing climate change dogma to the point of hysteria, why not make it easier for folks in foreign countries to get the AID we send, instead of lining the pockets of their corrupt leaders?

What I propose is this: every bleeding heart, guilt spreading, green-living, Chicken Little hop into your Prius right now and head to your bank and take out your own money. Make it cash. Then hand it to the nearest poor person you see, so they'll be safe from global warming. Or better, mail it to me and I'l take care of it. Promise.

Waterboarding

We've heard a lot about waterboarding lately -but only from people who never have anything nice to say about our country anyway. In a sense they're using waterboarding as form of torture on us - a constant reminder that Americans are no better than our adversaries.We don't' fly planes into buildings, we don't behead gays and we don't imprison rape victims - but 40 seconds of simulated drowning, that's unforgivable.

Now, I might agree that waterboarding is torture, but as long as those who hate the US hate waterboarding, then I love it more than life itself. See, it's a recipe I have for life. If the New York Times, NPR, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, Hugo Chavez and most other Pantloads hate something - then it MUST be good for you. So I cherish waterboarding. I want to make it our national sport, or our national bird. I want to make the Waterboard the state flower of Vermont, instead of the Birkenstock.

As you may know, Abu Zubaydah, a top lieutenant to bin Laden, gave up his cohorts after a half-minute of the stuff. He said Allah visited him, and told him to cooperate. Allah, it turns out, prefers dry land. The good news is this new information prevented dozens of attacks. But if we had listened to the Striesands, Rieds, Pelosis, McCains, Edwards and Afflecks of the world - and got rid of waterboarding - then how many lives might have been lost? Who knows. It's hard to prove a negative. It's also hard to find a Christmas sweater that doesn't make me look fat, but it doesn't stop me from trying.

Blogging is passe now.

So Iranian President Ahmadinejad has a new blog and it works, in that "senile grandma in the attic" sort of way. But other than realizing how similar it sounds to Keith Olbermann, it dawned on me that when the elderly, squirrels and crazed dictators start having their own blogs, then blogging is dead.

The worst five words you can hear at a party is "have you read my blog?" Blogs, really, used be called diaries, hidden under the pillows by troubled twelve year old girls. They were usually covered with stickers of rainbows and unicorns (Oh I loved those unicorns). But now everyone has a diary, but they call them blogs and they're asking you to read them - it's disgusting. It's like pulling off a band-aid and saying - I made it myself!

I call it the Sylvia Plath Syndrome - the idea that every nuance of your life should endless fascinate everyone else. At least Plath at the decency to provide a killer ending.

Some think that if you don't blog, you don't have a life. But it's the opposite. You should be happy that you don't write for folks who prefer to live in a disjointed bubble of weirdness where their own self-serving cowardice is masked temporarily by online bravery. It's better to go outside and beat up somebody for real, than beat up someone on the web, while sitting in your feety pajamas, eating Cheetos and drinking Mr. Pibb. Six Cans!

And if you don't agree with me than you are worse than Hitler.

If you'd like to hear more about this - come on back to my blog tomorrow

Self Esteem is Crap

So while having my morning bubble bath, I came across an article summing up 30 years of research on raising children. It said success lies not in praising talent, but emphasizing hard work. Focus on effort, and screw how great you think you are. In other words more attention to substance rather than style.

This is a kick in the groin to every self-help guru who pumped the sham of self-esteem down our throats for the last three decades. From eighth grade to Oprah, we've been told that feeling good is better than actually doing good. As long as you're happy- who cares if you sit around all day and get high in your underwear. Which, I confess, is pretty fun. Especially if there's a Golden Girls marathon.

See, people with high self esteem require achievement without effort - it's like they won the lottery without ever playing. Hence you find these losers to be the most selfish people on earth - they're the roommate who never cleans, the friend who never repays a debt, the hooker who never shaves, the father who never takes his sons and daughters out alone to do stuff without Mom being the arbiter. Why fix what isn't broken- when you're naturally superior? And now it ends up that not only are you NOT superior but you've been lying to yourself your entire life.

My solution to excess esteem? Reverse it. Reward effort and denigrate pride. Salute sweat and punish sloth. And the next time someone tells you how important it is to feel good about yourself, punch them in the face. And say, thanks, I feel better already!

America's #1 Game Show

I'm Bob Winkle, welcome to You Bet Someone Else's Life, where contestants can say whatever they want about the war in Iraq without worrying about the consequences.

Looks like our contestants are eager to get started, so let's jump right into round one. Senator John Kerry, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

You know, Bob, just the other day I spoke with a group of my constituents, and a woman said to me, "Senator Kerry..."

I need a yes or no answer, Senator.

I understand, Bob, but the American people...

Time's almost up, Senator.

You're right Bob, time is almost up for this administration, whose failed policies...

Sorry, time's up. Senator Clinton, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

I'm going to have to get back you on that, Bob.

Sorry, you only get one chance to answer. Congressman Murtha - should we withdraw the troops?

Yes.

Nancy Pelosi.

Wait - I want to change my answer to no.

Too late, Congressman. Nancy Pelosi - withdraw the troops?

Absolutely.

Howard Dean.

Unless the President says we should, in which case my answer would be no.

Bob, what I meant to say is that we should redeploy the troops, which may or may not be the same as withdrawing them.

The answer is no, we should not withdraw our troops.

I'm going to say no, Bob.

Too late, Senator. Next question...

I'm a veteran!

Good to know. Howard Dean - is the war in Iraq winnable?

Find out what the president thinks and then say the opposite, Howard.

Say yes - I mean no!

Say we need to do whatever is necessary to achieve the political solution desired by...

Oh, can it, horse-face! Howard, just say it depends.

Depends on what?

I don't know - just try to stall until 2008!

Talk about the town where you grew up!

WTF??

Time's almost up.

OK, I'll say...no!

Oh! You were so close - the answer is yes.

That's what I was going to say, Bob.

Bob, I think my answer was taken out of context.

You can't take "no" out of context.

Well, then it's being distorted by the press.

All right, it's time for our final round, the "I think what he meant to say was" round. Senator Kerry, I'm sure you're familiar with how this works.

I certainly am, Bob.

All you have to do is listen to the following quote and tell us what you think the speaker meant to say. Senator Kerry, we're showing a clip of you this week.

Just like old times.

Here we go, contestants. This is Senator Kerry on Face The Nation.

And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the--of--the historical customs, religious customs..

Whether you like it or not-- Iraqis should be doing that..

Howard Dean, you heard what Senator Kerry said - what do you think he meant to say?

I, uh...I think he meant to say...that, uh, that this administration has...failed the...American people?

Senator Clinton?

Have to get back to you, Bob.

Congressman Murtha.

Veteran!

Senator Kerry, what did you mean to say?

What the hell was I thinking?

I don't think anyone knows. That's our show for tonight, tune in next time for...

Wait, who won?

No one.

No one?

No, you're all losers.

Be sure to tune in next time for more You Bet Someone Else's Life.